Ever since I was in the 6th grade, I knew there was something different about me. I had never heard of the word gay, so I really couldn't identify myself as "being gay."  I knew that, unlike the rest of the boys in my class, I was not attracted to the girls in my class.  Instead, I was attracted to some of the boys.  The feeling that I was different scared me, so I hid it and didn't let on that I was gay.  I went through the rest of grade school and high school afraid of being myself, constantly lying about girls, interests, and afraid that someone would find out my little secret. I was in denial, and knew that being "gay" was something that I did not want to be.  I kept trying to hide my feelings in hopes that they would go away, and that I would "turn normal."  The only thing that hiding being gay accomplished was this constant insecurity and feeling of emptiness.

    After high school, I moved away to college, and things began to get easier.  I was at school and didn't have to face my friends and family. Then, in one week's time, I had two girls who were constantly hitting on me.  If I wanted to keep my secret I had to start lying again.  This  situation only lasted about two weeks before it came to an abrupt end one night at a party.

    I was at a Halloween/birthday party for my friends and I, when one of the girls approached me.  She asked me how I felt about her, and I replied saying "You are a great friend and I care for you a lot."  Next, she wanted to know if I would ever consider dating her, and my reply was "no."  She then accused me of leading her on, saying that she hated me and never wanted to talk to me again.  I let her go, and gathered my thoughts for a while.  Later that night, I approached her and said that we needed to talk.  She agreed, and suggested that we go for a walk up on the hill.  The first thing she said was that I should just be honest and tell her the real reason why I did not want to date her.  And, since I really didn't have anything to lose, I told her.  I told her the reason was that I am not attracted to females; I am gay.  She then gave me two choices: I could go back to the party and tell everyone, or she would go back to the party and tell everyone.  Since I didn't want my new friends hearing it from someone else, I went back and told them myself.  Lucky for me, they were all understanding, and really didn't care.

     Later that night at the party I met someone.  We started dating two weeks later, and eventually moved in together.  The two of us did everything together and were very happy in our relationship.  We were together for two and a half years, before he moved to Florida because of a job.  I wasn't going to hold him back from pursuing his dream, so I had to let him go.  It was very tough, and after he left, I really needed someone to talk to.

    I called my mom; she and I had always been very close.  I told her that I had just ended a relationship with a very special person.  It was difficult trying to open up to her while also keeping the secret.  I didn't want to tell her over the phone, but in order for her to help me, she had to know the whole story. So, I told her, and she called me stupid.  She said that I should never have worried about telling her, and that she loved me no matter what.

     From that point on, I have always been myself, never hiding anything from anybody.  In ending this story, I would like to say that if anyone ever has enough confidence to come out to you, do not betray their trust.  Coming out is a very difficult process, and as a friend, you should be there to help when possible.  Let people come out on their own schedule, and don't rush it.  Support them and don't put them down for being honest.  Just be a friend!